Hey, y’all! Yes, I’m still alive. I’m so sorry I haven’t been around for the last two months. I’ve been extremely busy with my day job, as well as my other writing assignments. I haven’t forgotten about y’all. To be honest, lately I’ve been so inwardly stressed about not being able to do all my writing projects that I’ve had trouble digesting food. No lie. Frankly speaking, my time on here will be sporadic, thanks to the long hours at my job and the amount of time it takes me to get to and from work. The only reason I have time to finish this post now is because thanks to Hurricane Matthew (we got most of the week off. I would’ve finished this sooner, but we lost power all day yesterday due to that damn storm). However, I promise that I’m not givin’ up on y’all. I may not be postin’ once a week like I used to, but you will still here from me. Bet on it. Now, on to the article!
A little while ago, I watched the film The Huntsman: Winter’s War. Now, unlike most folks, I greatly enjoyed Snow White and the Huntsman, and y’all know how much I love Chris Hemsworth, so I was sure that I’d enjoy the sequel. I couldn’t have be more wrong. It wasn’t the worst sequel I ever watched, but Lord knows it wasn’t the best, and I had no desire to watch the film again. The continuity was all screwed up, and they completely diluted The Huntsman’s character to a happy-go-lucky jokester. Ugh. After watching the movie, I couldn’t help but think to myself, “What are the worst sequels I’ve ever watched?” It inspired me to make a top 10 list that I’m finally presenting to y’all today! So, here it is!
10. Graffiti Bridge
Now, y’all know how much I love Prince…but this movie is shit. I knew it when I was 10 years old, and I know it now. If Prince didn’t come out and say that Graffiti Bridge was a sequel to Purple Rain, we’d probably never know it. Aside from Prince, Morris and Jerome returning to the cast (and Jill; forgot about her for a sec), there’s hardly any connection between the two films. Crazy lookin’ sets, an even crazier plot, and what the heck happened to Apollonia? She’s not even mentioned! Skip this one, or at least watch it on mute (Prince is so cute in it).
9. Speed 2: Cruise Control
Speed was an exciting movie with explosive chemistry between the two leads and an unforgettable villain. Speed 2: Cruise Control was a dull movie with zero chemistry between the two leads and a completely forgettable villain. Seriously, the only things I remember about this film is Sandra Bullock elbowin’ Willem Dafoe in the face (that was the only badass scene in the whole film), the ship crashing through the city, and thinking that Jason Patric couldn’t hold a candle to Keanu Reeves. Sorry, Jason.
8. Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End
Folks love to give Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides all kinds of hell, but I actually liked that film! At World’s End was much worse! In my opinion, On Stranger Tides went back to basics, whereas At World’s End was completely overblown and ridiculous. This movie had the ship capsizing to go from one world to another, Elizabeth being elected the pirate queen, the crew “trapping” the goddess Calypso (by the way, who didn’t predict that Tia Dalma was actually Calypso?), a million Jack Sparrows running around, a big showdown between The Black Pearl and The Flying Dutchman (all while performing a wedding ceremony), another big showdown between The Black Pearl and the East India Trading Company (although I must admit, that ass kickin’ was kind of cool)…ugh, the list goes on and on! Then the movie was nearly three hours long! Have y’all ever heard the phrase, “Less is more?” And I thought Dead’s Man Chest brought everything but the kitchen sink! Lord!
7. Once Upon a Time In Mexico
When Once Upon a Time In Mexico was released the summer of 2003, I remember Salma Hayek saying, “It’s been seven years since we did a follow up to Desperado, and this film is seven times better than [the previous one].” Why do actors lie to get us in the theatres? Why not just make a good film? In this case, the lie worked, and instead of me walking out the movie theatre hyped up, I walked out with a splitting headache. Like At World’s End, this movie had too much going on, it was just executed in a different way. Instead of too many over-the-top events going on, Once Upon a Time In Mexico decided to have fifty million characters introduced in the movie, each with their own storyline! Ironically enough, Johnny Depp was the best thing about this film. Antonio Banderas was pretty much wasted in his own film, sadly enough. I hated how El Mariachi immediately went from being an ass kickin’ vigilante seeking to avenge his wife and daughter’s death (and why did he have to go through more heartbreak!?) to one of the “sons of Mexico” on a mission to protect the president. Ugh. Give me El Mariachi and Desperado any day of the week. You what’s really sad? El Mariachi probably cost all of $20,000 to make, and it’s vastly superior to this hot mess.
6. Rocky V
This is where the Rocky franchise started to go left. First off, Rocky loses all his money, thanks to him allowing Paulie to handle his finances. For all fans of the franchise, I ask this question: Who in their right mind would allow Paulie’s silly ass to handle his finances!? Secondly, Rocky moves back to his old neighborhood, falls out with his now teenage son—although just before he left for Russia to fight Ivan Drago, his son was about seven years old—and takes in some ungrateful redneck to train him for the big time. In short, this film was boring and a pale shadow of what the franchise was. Even the “big fight” at the end was just meh.
5. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
This movie probably shouldn’t be on the list, because quite frankly, I didn’t watch the entire film. I fell asleep on it, and I when I woke up again I had no desire to finish watching it. Like a lot of the movies on this list, it had too much going on. I only watched it once, so I can’t even remember all the shit that happened, I just remembered it was a lot of shit, and it didn’t impress me. Not only that, but I got tired of all Megan Fox’s gratuitous booty shots, and if I heard Shia Lebeouf’s roommate scream like a woman one more time, I was gonna come through the damn TV and slap the hell out of him.
4. Ghostbusters II
You know, The Karate Kid Part 3 was set to take the number four spot on this list, but as I was typing this out, I remembered…Ghostbusters II was much worse. Folks love to put down the Ghostbusters reboot and credit it for ruining the franchise, but they seem to forget how horrendous Ghosbusters II was. I adored the first installment (still do), and when this movie came out during my grade school years, I couldn’t wait to see it…and I was sorely disappointed. This movie was full of lame jokes, a crazy plot (even for a comedy/sci-fi film), and even a corny theme song (sorry, Bobby Brown). They even committed the cardinal sin of sequels: rehashing all the jokes/plot lines from the original film. God, I can’t stand that.
3. Breaking Dawn Pt. 1
Yes, I’m a fan of the Twilight franchise; the books and the films (the books more so than the movies). Just like with the books, I was greatly enjoying the film franchise until it got to Breaking Dawn. I wasn’t surprised, mind you. The book was shit, and as Elvis once said, “you can’t polish a turd.” Just like the Breaking Dawn novel, the movie was fine until Bella got preggo with that demon spawn. Then it all went to hell. It even had the gall to take it a step further. I can deal with wolves communicating telepathically, but when they have hybrid human/wolf voices to do it, it’s time to change the channel. And I still can’t stomach Edward giving Bella that damn C-section with his doggone teeth.
2. Batman and Robin
*Sigh* Lord, give me strength… There’s really no need of beating around the bush. Batman and Robin is a horrible movie, and it completely ruined the franchise, plain and simple. It’s the epitome of cheesy. Cheesy writing, cheesy plots, cheesy sets, cheesy one-liners, cheesy acting—it’s enough to make you constipated. And that sad excuse of a Batmobile? Lord, have mercy! This movie actually ruined some of the actors’ careers. For some reason George Clooney—and to some extent, Arnold Schwarzenegger—walked away unscathed. The only good thing about this movie is that it was such a bomb that there was practically no where else to go but up, and the The Dark Knight franchise rose from the ashes of this turkey.
1. The Matrix Revolutions
I’m getting sick to my stomach just thinking about this movie. When The Matrix Reloaded was released, I was disappointed, but I was still anxious to find out what would happen with Neo and Trinity in the next installment. What happened was a hot ass mess. The dialog was even more cryptic and convoluted, the plot was boring as well as confusing, and the movie was dragged out to a torturous three hour run time, that felt more like five hours. When the film finally got to the scene we were all waiting for—the big fight between Neo and Agent Smith—it was just as disappointing as the rest of the film. Just a long, dull, drawn out mess. Then, to top it all off, the ending wasn’t exactly happy. After all that nonsense I sat through, y’all could’ve at least allowed Neo and Trinity to live happily forever after in Zion. I walked out of that theatre with a flattened ass, severe aggravation, and a date who complained about paying for the mess we just watched. Y’all should’ve just stuck with one damn movie.
Whew! That was tough! So tell me, do you agree with my list? What movies do you think are the worst sequels ever? Let me know in the comments section!
Oh, yeah. Get out and vote this November!